part of the process

It's still feels new to me. This whole "art" thang. Although it's been more than a couple of years, each time I pick up my pencil, I feel like it's the first time. I get this feeling of overwhelm. And even a bit of anxiety. The overwhelm, I think, stems from all the many images running through my head. The anxiety, from a long-seeded (or is that "seated"?) belief in "perfection". It's dumb, I know. But there it is.

Lately, I've been scolding meself for avoiding the one "subject" that probably means the most to me: The Horse. I love them. All of them. And I miss being in their presence more than I miss any Human on the Planet. I miss how they smell and the sounds they make and their often comical behaviors and how they make me feel. Nothing makes me feel the way a horse does. Must be some kind of kindred thing. But whatever it is, I miss them and it annoys me that I've avoided drawing them.

Why?

Because they're a big, giant, challenge.

The details of The Horse are what make them so magnificent. AND so challenging. Miss the details, lose the horse. And I'm not just talking about art work. Horses are complex creatures with much to teach us. They are the epitome of purity. And truth. And trust. You simply can not fool a horse. Some people think you can beat them into submission. But the real deal is when you earn its trust. Only then will you reach communion. Only then will you know what it means to experience the magick of equine friendship.

If it sounds like some holy testimony, you're correct. I revere them more than any other creature. Mostly because I have experienced this communion I speak of.

I'm tellin' ya, there's nothing like it.

So, my aversion to drawing them may also stem from a deep desire to do them justice. I don't want to just draw a horse. I want to feel it. I want to honor it. I want to have the viewer experience the majesty of The Horse. And this, my friends, is no easy task.

Anywayz....

As you may have read (in "Gathering Storm"), I've been hunting for a painting that I gave away some five-plus years ago. During the course of this search, I also made up my mind that I WILL paint one of my own. It may not look exactly like the one I gave away, but I don't really want that. I want it to be my own. In order to do this, I must first get a feel for a horse in motion. It's one thing to see it with you own eyes, and feel it as you ride. It's an entirely different thing to put it on paper and have it come alive. Therein lies my challenge.

But, you know... a girl's gotta start somewhere.

{First sketch. August 22, 2017. It's all part of the process, yes?}

a study in self

I've been drawing for a little over two years. The entire process of discovery is both surprising and cathartic. I never knew I could (draw). Always said "I can't". Which is what brought me to exploring the process to begin with. Simply tired of hearing myself say those words.

Up til now, I've drawn critters and mountains, and more critters, and trees, and flowers, the occasional trailer, some boots, and...more critters. Never, until two days ago, had I drawn the Human face (or form). Too intimidating. Too scary. Too...out of my league. And then...I realized I was doing it AGAIN. I was hiding behind my fear to avoid doing something I thought I'd suck at.

{I am not a fan of sucking at anything. Pesky ego!}

ENOUGH!, I hollered.
STOP BEING SUCH A COWARD!

So, rather than attempting to draw some random face, I opted to draw my own. At first, my only reasoning was that it's one of the few pictures of me-self that I really like. Also, I thought it might be fun to try to get that nose right. I happen to like my nose. It is a large, strong, Italian nose and it suits my little face (and personality) perfectly. But lemme tell ya: that strong, Italian nose gave me a boatload of trouble. Just couldn't seem to get it right. Over and over, I'd draw and erase. Draw and erase. Walk away. Come back. Try again.

{"Samuel Becket said, "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."}

Having spent more than twenty hours on this, I can honestly say I'm pleased. It isn't an exact image of the photo I used. Nor are the "parts" all mirror images of my face. But it was an exercise. An attempt to do something that I was afraid to do. And even though I drew this on sketch paper, which is to say, flat paper, which leaves little room for layering and shading and some other techniques necessary to do such work, I am honestly pleased with the result.

But there's more to it than just how well I copied an image of my face....

In the process, whilst looking at every tiny detail and trying to work out how to create those details (back to technique again), I realized that I actually like my face. I mean, it's not beauty pageant material, nor is it a face that could launch a thousand ships (hahahaaaa!), but it's a good face with strong features and ... character. What I'm trying to say is that in the process of looking at this image of mySELF, I learned some things I might not have had I not tried.

I learned that this whole idea of "self-love" is more than just about how we look. It's got nothing to do with what anyone else thinks about us. Or whether or not we're "beautiful" to the world. Self-love is about appreciating who we are. The core of our selves. It is a slow (and sometimes painful) process, but one that can heal much and change the way we view our lives. Yes, this is an image of my face. But it's not about my face. It's about how I see my SELF.

Big, ginormous, difference.

I finally get why so many artists did self-portraits. Their reasons may have been entirely different. Their motivations may have come from any number of emotional "places". But, in the end, a self-portrait is a baring of one's deepest fears.

Fears that are founded in nonsense.

Another wall...crumbles.

{Original drawing by Camille Olivia Strate. © 2017. All rights reserved.}

...and then there are times...

..when words seem unavailable. And even the sound of my voice is irritating to me. Those times when I may go for days and days without speaking to a single Human. Sophie (my Dawg) may be the only one with whom I speak. There are, occasionally, moments when it seems unbearably lonely. But not often. Mostly I feel quite blessed to have the freedom to be without Human interference. Because, more often than not, when I am amid other Humans, I feel as if I am invisible. It may be because I wish to be unseen. It may also be that these other Humans are far too immersed in their own dramas that they don't see anyone at all. Only their lives. Their problems. Their crushed dreams shattered on the ground beneath their bloody feet.

A dreary and UNJoyful perspective, yes?

Do not despair. I wouldn't dream of leaving you in that place. This is, after all, about choosing Joy, is it not? Of course it is. I began the missive in this manner in order to offer the ol' yin/yang of Life. So...

Words are not always needed. Human interaction is also not a necessity for all of us. Those of us who have chosen such isolated lives have done so for reasons that needn't be discussed here. All that need be said is that for any person reading this missive, all you need remember is that your choices are your own. If you will take responsibility for those choices, you won't ever need to "explain" anything to anyone. Unless you want to. Otherwise, I say...choose what makes you feel best. Make your choices based on who you are, who you are becoming, who you know yourself to be. Whether or not you've "reached" that place of satisfaction (with your Self) is not something you need fret about. We are all becoming. That, in my experience, is precisely what Life is.

A Becoming.

Now...before I launch into a whole dissertation an that topic, let us come back 'round to the point of today's meandering...

When I am living those days where words are unavailable, I find a kind of peace that is otherwise absent when I am in full voice. Mostly it has to do with my Art. When I am in Artiste mode, I am fully and utterly immersed. I have no concept of time. Or what day it is. Or whether or not I have eaten. (Mostly, the grumblings from my belly let me know 'bout that!) Sophie is the only one who can break the trance. She may need to go outside. Or it's past time for our walk. Or she simply wants some attention. I am grateful to have her here. She keeps me from melting into my chair!

The gifts that ensue (the Silent Days) are, without question, worth every word not spoken. I end up with a pile of art that astonishes even me. I marvel at the beauty that comes from these hands...and the feelings the paintings relay. It is Magick at its very best.

I am grateful.

Blue Orchid

Another adventure in dry mediums.
Blue Orchid: graphite and charcoal.
By yours truly, Camille Olivia Strate.
© All rights reserved.
(It's sold, but I'm happy to make another if you care to have one of your very own). Those interested in purchasing any of my art can reach me via FaceBook.

Happy New Year, my Lovelies!

crow

I have a thing for crows. There's something mystical about these black beauties that is more than intriguing. They have an intelligence that is ... like god on wings. I don't really have words to explain how they make me feel. So, instead, I opted to draw one. Just for the fun of it. To see if I could. To see how it would feel to spend so much time with this creature. Because, believe me when I tell you, drawing a crow with a pencil takes time. I immersed myself with him for several days. I enjoyed every second of that immersion. We had a conversation as I drew. I studied him so intensely that I could hear him speaking to me.

Really.

Honest.

No kidding.

And here is the result of that conversation. (there are 2; one is the original drawing, the other a copy of the drawing with some water colors added in....more experimenting for this blossoming artiste....)

I cannot express the joy I live whilst I learn this new art form. I've always wanted to draw. Now that I am giving it a go, I am astonished at my own penchant...and perhaps, talent, for this medium. Honestly, it has become an all-consuming passion. 

As always...JOY is a CHOICE. And this is one choice I am sooooo very thrilled to have made!

Cheers!