the rambling ego

According to Forbes, there are nearly ONE BILLION BLOGS on the internet (right now!). That's a whole lotta blogs. How one blog gets to the top of such a heap is a mystery to me. But I got to thinking about this today whilst in the shower, singin' a tune and lathering my very short, curly hair. I was fully engaged in the moment, happy to have hot, running water and Bruzer lying right outside the bathtub playing sentry. Not that I need a sentry; but it sure is fun to sweep open the shower curtain and see him laying there, nubbie a -waggin', all happy to see me. He's just so darned cute. {see?}

Anyway...there I was, singin' in the shower when all of a sudden this thought pops into my head:

"GEEZLOUIZE! HOW IN THE WORLD DO I GET MY STUFF OUT THERE?"

I stopped lathering {and singing!} and let the thought run. As is usually the case, it wasn't long before another came along. Next thought was, "who cares?" 

It occurred to me that far too often we (I'm using the word "we" as a general term. Not anyone specific OR that it necessarily applies to you. Just sayin'...} do things just for the fun of it only to find ourselves all tangled up in the numbers.

As if more readers might somehow make life better.

As if being on the top of the heap would somehow alter life at all. As if....

The next thing ya know, I'm out of the shower, still pondering all this stuff, and gigglin' at myself for letting my ego ruin the moment. Well, almost. The moment wasn't really ruined; just the song I was singin'. Because those thoughts clamoring around in my brain had distracted me from my song. CRAP! {and a little giggle too}

As I toweled off and got dressed, the thoughts led me 'round to the reasons why I write this blog. It led me back to the beginning when all I really wanted was to lend some support to my own self. I hadn't begun this for anyone else. It was a means for me to take time, every day, to fortify my convictions of the choices I have. It was, at first, a kind of journal that I thought might lend some consistency to my otherwise inconsistent habits. I simply wanted to 'force' myself to write every single day.

Somewhere along the way, people started reading. And sending me messages. And getting involved in what I was writing. The more this happened, the more I began to pay more attention to them than my original intent. Pretty soon, I was checking my 'stats' every hour, just to see if there were 'more'. Whenever the numbers dropped, I'd get kind of bummed. How come they're not reading? How come there aren't more notes? Why didn't that post get any attention?

For a short while this became the focus of my writing. But only for a short while. Now, when I go back and look at the beginning...and the middle...and the now...I can see where I was writing for 'numbers' and where I was simply revealing truths that were there to lead me onward. So today, when all that stuff popped up I was able to recognize what it was in just a few short minutes. By the time I'd gotten dressed, I saw Miss Ego standing there, laughing at me in the mirror.

HA! GOTCHA! 

I must say, it did surprise me a bit. But then, contrary to popular belief, I am not ego-less. Yet. Still workin' on that. But (there it is: the inevitable 'but') I can also say that moments like that are a treasure too. Because without them, I'd not be able to readjust my focus and/or intention. To be sure, I love when what I offer helps others. It makes me very happy to hear the commentary or get the emails about how much this or that meant to someone. Still, it is not my primary 'goal'. I'm not that selfless. {truth can be ugly sometimes, eh?} 

It just so happens that I believe that the very best way to spread the joy is to live it. The best way to help others is to help one's self. That if you are true to who you are, and leave the ego crap behind, more will benefit from your truths. I tried doing it the other way 'round. It didn't work. I found myself "trying" to write, rather than just being the conduit for that splendid Source that IS. It seems quite clear to me that the numbers are nothing more than fuel for an ego I'd prefer not to feed. Ego never got me anywhere. Truth and Trust have. I prefer the latter (2) to the former. 

Besides...the moment I let go those egotistical demands, all kinds of goodness comes...and goes right back out to all the lovely souls who may have found their way here. Kind of a win-win, wouldn't ya say?

giggle instead...

Heard from an old friend yesterday after months of (his) absence. Seems he's been overwhelmed with challenges...on every front. Home, work, relationship, health, etc. Woes to the toes. And beyond. (ya think Buzz Lightyear might use that one?) He'd written a few short notes in between, just to let me know he was in this funky space; also to tell me that he had no intention of leaving the planet. Needless to say, I was grateful for those memos, but really wanted to DO something to lend a hand.

And then...

He sent me a note to say that he didn't want to talk with me about any of it; mostly, he said, because he wanted to be a joy in my life, not a burden. This kind of took me by surprise. For lots of reasons. But I had this feeling in my gut that it had more to do with what was going on in his marriage than it did anything else. Like he didn't want to talk with me about that part because he didn't want to dishonor his wife AND he felt some kind of apprehension about getting closer to me and further from her. My gut works well. I trust it implicitly. And, as it turned out, I was dead on.

So I sent him a message saying that I was no "fair-weather-friend" and that even his pain would not diminish the joy he brings to my world. We've been friends for a very long time. Several decades. I know this man to his core. And I know that he is one of the kindest, most considerate, passionate people I've ever met in my life. Good people, all the way around. So his trepidation was not lost on me. The note (I sent) also said it was entirely his choice. Whatever he wanted to do was A-OK with me. At the end of that note, I pasted this: (with a caption that read: "hang in there")

Not 3 minutes after I sent the email, the phone rang. I giggled the moment I saw his name on my caller ID. Took a deep breath, and answered the phone. I had a big grin on my face and a smile in my heart. I knew that no matter what he chose to tell me (or not) was more than OK. I also knew that he'd taken a pretty large step in overcoming some very hard-core control issues. Truth be told, we're two of a kind. So I get it. All of it. Anywayz....

He began by telling me about some serious skin rash he's wrestling with. And the whole time he was telling me his story, he was doing it in his usual hilarious fashion. That's how we are. We make jokes when things are too uncomfortable to deal with. Works for both of us. So, the conversation went on for a while; me listening, him talking. I gave him my full attention, without judgment or thoughts of what to say back. Just listened. When he was finally done ranting, I started giggling. I wasn't laughing at him, I was giggling at how he'd taken himself from utter angst to a place of ease. It delighted me to feel the change. I told him so.

He was silent for a moment, and then he said, "You know, you're the only person I know who can make me turn my attention to the opposite direction. Nobody else can do that. HOW DO YOU DO THAT???"

So I told him about a little "trick" I'd learned along the way. I gave him his own words back and asked him if they were in any way helping him to shift. And then I shared the trick:

It's only hard because you say it is.

You don't need to fight yourself. 

You just gotta let it be...for however long it takes for "it" to lighten up a bit.

Go stand in front of a mirror. 

Paste a grin on your face. Doesn't matter if it's "fake". Just do it.

And say out loud: SO WHAT! SO WHAT! SO WHAT!

Then watch what happens next.

I guarantee you're gonna start cracking up.

GUARANTEED.

Before I was even finished with that last sentence, he WAS cracking up. Laughing so hard I wasn't sure he'd even heard the last of it. But he had. And when the laughter finally died down, he said, "So you're telling me to giggle instead?"

Yep. That's what I'm telling you.

Just giggle instead.