Finding Grace

Sometimes it'll sneak up on you like one of those stealthy Ninjas you see in the movies. Only it isn't a movie. It's your heart. And when it jumps out from the shadows and whacks you over the head, it'll make you wonder how you'd gotten away until now.

I'm talking about Grief.

{Aside: Now, before you get all twisted up, I do know this Blog is about choosing Joy. So, if you'll stay with me here, we'll wind our way there. Don't we always?}

So then...

Say you're toodling along, doing what you do, enjoying your moments with deep appreciation. You've even managed to hang a few photos back on the walls, feeling stronger about the loss of your loved one. A bit of time has passed. You feel you've moved on with as much Grace as can be expected. You might even feel joy on occasion, when thinking about Loved One. Memories bring smiles instead of tears. There are moments when you laugh out loud ....

{Another aside: why do we say "laugh out loud"? Isn't laughter always out loud?}

...when you laugh just thinking about a particular moment you shared. Things are grooving along nicely. Then one day, whilst reading some lovely thing or other, that Ninja jumps out of the shadows and whacks you with his sword. You feel the pain as freshly as if the loss was yesterday. You feel your heart tighten. Your mouth goes dry. The tears start raining down your face uncontrollably. You are one hot mess. Just like that.

It surprises you. You weren't expecting such an upheaval. Not now. Not after all this time. How can it be? How can you be humming along so easily and then have all that rise up so large. Worse, it feels even bigger than you remembered it. Monumental Grief.

Perhaps it will help if you realize that Grief is like that. Grief does not care about time. Or distance. Or your ability to move on. Grief has its own agenda and you cannot sway cajole or trick it into submission. Grief comes as a guide to your Grace. 

If you've ever experienced a moment of true Grace, you know that when it washes over you it really does feel as if the Hand of God (or whatever you like to call It) has lifted you up into Its loving arms and wrapped you in that vast expanse of Love. You feel as if you'd never really been alive til that moment. You feel...More Than Love. 

But how can we know this feeling if we do not experience its opposites. I use the plural there because Grief is not the only "opposite". In any case, if we have not felt some semblance of Pain, how would we know the absolute Joy of Grace? 

We could not. We are Humans being human. We are subject to all manner of folly. Grief is among them. And were we not so deeply in Love with those Beings whose passing rips our hearts apart, we would not know the Joy of their presence before they leave us. That is the purpose of Grief. To remind us that we have boundless capacity for Love.

And Good.

And Grace.

And so....I wish for you the courage to bear your Grief....until you get to the Grace that will find Its way to you. Always.

{See? I told you we'd come back 'round.}

riches come in many flavors

It's been a while...and I shan't make excuses for my absence. I had need for some space...and opted to give the blogging a bit of a break. That is, until today. A few things happened that lit a fire under my butt...and then when I came to visit, I found even more to stoke that fire. I am deeply grateful to all of you who've written and asked for more. It warms me to my toes knowing that my offerings are helping folks...and THAT, my friends, is what it's all about. I thank you ALL.

Rather than getting into the details of my disappearance, I will, instead, share with you a few things that I discovered while absent. Among them are the great riches that abound in my world. All too often we think of riches in terms of dollars. But riches are far more than printed currency. Riches, in my world, come in many flavors. Kinda like Baskin Robbins, ya know?

Friends who love you in spite of your flaws top the list for me. Those people who stand by me, regardless of where I am or how I'm 'acting'. When I am reclusive, they allow me that space without laying some kinda guilt trip or chastising. When I am all agog with some new discovery, they let me go on and on (and on and on!) about it, without attempting to stop my rantings. I tend to do that...rant, that is. And my wonderful friends (whom I call "Tribe") are always in my corner. How can that not be counted as 'riches'?

Then there are those people who may not be part of the Tribe, but who make the days sparkle with their smiles and little courtesies. You know the ones...they see you in the market and give you a smile for no reason other than to smile. Or they let you cut in line because you only have 3 things and they have a cart full of stuff. Or they slow down to let you into traffic when there are zillions of others who will cut you off without mercy. Those 'strangers' who actually LIVE kindness. Are these not riches?

Being able to buy food and fill your cupboards/fridge with good things to nourish your body. Do you know how many people in this world cannot do this? Do you realize that there are millions of people on this planet who do NOT eat a meal each day? Many do not have clean water to drink. Or a place to call home. They have no 'extra' clothes or electricity or indoor plumbing. I can't even imagine what that must be like. Nor do I care to try. I just know that I have all these things and so much more...and I consider all of them riches.

I sit here now, in a beautiful office in my home, with a dandy computer, a speedy internet connection, food in my belly, a hot cup of coffee, a comfortable chair, a gorgeous desk, and all the pretty things that are my treasures. Crystals in the windows. Wind chimes just outside. Plants and pictures and books and fountains. All these things make up my lovely world...and they are my riches too.

I have come to a place in my Life where I can see, all day.. every day, just how rich I am. I am so blessed to have these people in my world. All the love. The laughter and sharing and support. The many conveniences that we all take for granted all too often. There isn't a thing in the world that I NEED right now. I have it all. This, my friends, is what it means to be 'rich'. And I am basking in the glorious warmth of gratitude.

It's GOOD to be alive!

Wrestling with Pride ~

She called today after months of absence to tell me that her life is a blur of activity. She's busy, busy, busy. She has so much going on that it's impossible to take a breath. She's running 250 MPH, 24/7 and wondering why her bones hurt.

Uh-oh.

Then she told me that a dear friend of hers wants to take her to Paris. Paris in SPRINGTIME! This friend wants to pay her way, from flight to food to accommodations. The whole nine yards. I could hear the resistance in her voice. I could tell she was struggling with her pride. I could feel the angst in her belly. All so very familiar to me. All so very foolish.

We come from a family of very proud people. A family that is so eager to give and so quick to refuse gifts from others. Proud to a fault. The epitome of foolish pride.

As I listened to her tell her story, I could also feel the excitement she was trying so hard to squelch. It wasn't working too well. Regardless of her effort, I knew she was imagining the possibility of letting go the pride and taking that trip with her friend. Next thing I know, she's talking about passports and birth certificates and arrangements for her critters. A big grin spread across my face. Just so happens I have her birth certificate from way back when I was her legal guardian. Knew exactly where it was and grabbed it as we talked. When I told her I had it, I could feel her releasing some of that resistance. I could see the grin on her face.

YESSSS! She's going to go!

Finally I said, "You know, maybe you might like to look at this a bit differently. Maybe you might like to consider that going with her is a gift YOU are giving to her. Maybe, just maybe, it's a way for you to finally begin accepting the endless gifts that you so deserve. We don't have to hold on to that foolish pride that hurt our dad so badly. We can let it go. Will you just consider it?"

She laughed her big, hearty laugh and said, "I knew you were going to say that. And I know you're right. I know it's hurting me. And yes, I'll consider it. I promise."

I hung up the phone and did a little dance. SHE'S GOING TO PARIS! No one deserves it more. She is one of the most giving, generous people on the planet. She is kind and selfless (also to a fault!) and so incredibly loving. And the fact that she's my sister has nothing to do with it. Even if she weren't, she'd still be my friend. And I'd still want her to go. Because she DOES deserve to have some fun and relax and TAKE for a change.

We shall see how that goes.

the moment you step out of gratitude
you step out of grace.
& moment you step out of grace
all hell breaks loose.
you forget all about the magick.
you forget all about how totally awesome
your world is.
you forget that you can
anything you want.
it's a horrible
terrifying
utterly life-sucking
downward spiral
that'll kill ya
if you don't grab onto something
on the way down.
then
the magick shows up.
all by itself
you don't even haveta ask
it just shows up
in the voice of a friend
or a perfectly timed note
or a bluejay with a mouthful of bug
calling to her partner
to come have a snack.
the magick shows up and saves your ass
in the knick of time
every time.
you remember
one single tiny thing
to be grateful for.
that's all it takes.
one teeny little wonderful thing
that makes your world so beautiful
and pretty soon
you're remembering all kindsa stuff
and not long after that
you're grinning from ear to ear
and dancing around the garden
like a crazy person.
next thing you know
you're right back in
Grace.
damn.
what a hoot.