Ya know, it's pretty easy to fall into that great abyss...when everything seems to be so freakin' crazy and ya just don't know what to do. It's even easier to toss in the towel, say "screw it" and just stop trying. But why? Why would you do that? I mean, do you really think it'll make you feel better to curl up in a ball and die?
Well. I'm guessin' that sounds pretty dramatic...but truth is, there are times when I ask myself these questions...and I even ponder that towel. Not often, mind you. But there are times....And then...that leads me to wonder why it is that I'm so freakin' tenacious and unwilling to give up. What is it that makes me so resilient? So utterly optimistic when so much of my world is so NOT what it was. These are some pretty crazy times...and I'm beginning to understand why so many people threw themselves out of windows back during the Great Depression. People who were, to that point, on top of the world, opened their high-rise office window and just jumped. Before now, I never could imagine what would make someone so willing to quit. Now...I get it.
The good news is that I don't have a gazillion dollar business to lose. The other good news is that I happen to value Life far too much to ever do such a thing. I mean, COME ON. Is money REALLY that important that you'd kill your self for it? SHEEEESH.
The other day, while talking with a dear friend of mine about all this insanity, she said something that really (literally) made me stop and sit my little ass down in a chair. She said, "I am SO proud of you. You have every reason to be depressed and scared and ready to quit. But you don't go there. You NEVER go there. I just don't know how you do it. But I'm really proud of you for NOT."
Why does it matter what she, or anyone else, thinks about my fortitude? Why do I care that she's "proud" of me? Why in the world would such a thing even matter when it appears that NOTHING is happening to inspire me to continue on?
I'll tell you why. I say this ALL THE TIME...and I happen to believe it...
WE ALL HAVE CHOICES.
Choosing to be bummed out, or pissed off, or suicidal, are all CHOICES. The difference between those who grow and those who die is (in my opinion) all about tenacity. I mean...let's just say I chose to end it all...let's say that I finally reached some breaking point and said to my Self..."okay, Missy. You've done all you can. Why don't you just get it over with. Just think of all the people who won't have to 'worry' about you any more."
Are you kidding me??????? I have long believed that suicide is the ultimate in cowardice. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. I think that people who take their lives are people who are just too scared to face another moment. Now, having said that, I also need to say that my "opinion" is not a judgment so much as it is an opinion. In other words, I don't condemn anyone for doing it. But I also don't think that anyone would commit such an act if they really knew how many people loved them. Because, while I do believe there is a "selfishness" that is productive, there is also another kind. The kind of selfishness that is so blind, so lacking in compassion, so utterly childish, that a person can forget. They forget that they MATTER. They forget that there ARE people who really love them. They forget that if they weren't here...their absence would affect soooooooooooo many people...that ripple affect. They simply get so self-absorbed that their perspective is lost.
I'm telling you this now because these thoughts have been flyin' through my brain at about 500 MPH for the last week and a half. And, without fail, every single time I think about such things, someone either shows up at my door, or sends me an email, or calls me...to let me know that I DO matter. I matter to them because I'm HERE. I matter to them because I inspire them...or I give them a reason to keep believing...or I make them laugh out loud when no one else can. Are these things I should dismiss just because I'm scared of being homeless? Are these people not important enough to keep me alive? Are these not lessons from which I shall build my own empire???????
I want you to know this:
No matter HOW awful things may seem...
No matter how much pain you're in right now...
No matter how scared you are..
YOU MATTER.
YOU MATTER.
YOU MATTER.
And
so do I.
Showing posts with label camille. Show all posts
Showing posts with label camille. Show all posts
Monday, May 18, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
vascillation ~
there's nothing like a little perspective to get you off your butt, ya know? 'specially when you think you're having a less than stellar day...and then, you hear someone else talk about theirs. yep. makes ya really aware of what you have...and you can see it with grateful eyes. good stuff.
it's not always easy. i know. sometimes, regardless of how hard i try, there's that icky black cloud following me around, threatening to drop hailstones on my head. big hailstones...like the kind that'll dent your car. scary stuff. but the thing is, when i remember that the cloud is there cuz i formed it, i can unform it just as quickly. if i want to, that is. back to the whole 'turn the other way' thang. perspective. perspective. perspective.
yesterday, i had this feeling, all day long, that my friend was not having a very good day. just a feeling in my gut. so, after a while, i called to see how she was doing. the moment i heard her voice, i knew my instincts were right on. (as usual). i also knew that she was trying real hard to NOT tell her 'sad story'...cuz we practice that sorta thing all the time. but in the end, she did...and i was so glad for it. cuz, by the time we hung up, she was feeling better and so was i. funny how that works. more and more i see that one of the best things to do when my day is kinda icky is to call someone else and offer up some sunshine for their day. ya know, it works every time. listening to someone else's stuff takes your mind off your own stuff and pretty soon you're both whoopin' it up and laughing at how silly you're (both) being. that ick? well, it's just an illusion anyway. just like the black cloud.
it's the moments in between...the vascillation...that makes ya crazy if you let it. sheeesh! it's not like we don't have the 'tools' to change our perspectives, or our attitudes, or our moods in general. cuz we do! all of us do. question is, how often do we use them when we need them most? cuz the way i figure it, it's pretty easy to be happy when everything is honky-dorey. it's when the poop hits the pavement that we think it's hard to be happy. but if ya boil it all down to THIS MOMENT...and you look around for just a minute...you can always find something to make you smile. something to be grateful for. something to make your heart do a little dance. if only you'd take that moment, ya know?
i'm pretty sure that all this crapola is temporary. i'm also pretty sure that soon, VERY soon, it'll all be a distant memory...something for me to remember (or not!) as a time when i was asked to look inside and see just how much i have...and how much i CAN...and how many options abound for me to live the best life ever. tell ya the truth....i am SOOOOOOOOOO looking forward to that (distant memory)! for now, though, i'm just gonna keep laughing about it. cuz the only other option is to cry. and what good would that do?
HAAAAAAAAAAAA!
it's not always easy. i know. sometimes, regardless of how hard i try, there's that icky black cloud following me around, threatening to drop hailstones on my head. big hailstones...like the kind that'll dent your car. scary stuff. but the thing is, when i remember that the cloud is there cuz i formed it, i can unform it just as quickly. if i want to, that is. back to the whole 'turn the other way' thang. perspective. perspective. perspective.
yesterday, i had this feeling, all day long, that my friend was not having a very good day. just a feeling in my gut. so, after a while, i called to see how she was doing. the moment i heard her voice, i knew my instincts were right on. (as usual). i also knew that she was trying real hard to NOT tell her 'sad story'...cuz we practice that sorta thing all the time. but in the end, she did...and i was so glad for it. cuz, by the time we hung up, she was feeling better and so was i. funny how that works. more and more i see that one of the best things to do when my day is kinda icky is to call someone else and offer up some sunshine for their day. ya know, it works every time. listening to someone else's stuff takes your mind off your own stuff and pretty soon you're both whoopin' it up and laughing at how silly you're (both) being. that ick? well, it's just an illusion anyway. just like the black cloud.
it's the moments in between...the vascillation...that makes ya crazy if you let it. sheeesh! it's not like we don't have the 'tools' to change our perspectives, or our attitudes, or our moods in general. cuz we do! all of us do. question is, how often do we use them when we need them most? cuz the way i figure it, it's pretty easy to be happy when everything is honky-dorey. it's when the poop hits the pavement that we think it's hard to be happy. but if ya boil it all down to THIS MOMENT...and you look around for just a minute...you can always find something to make you smile. something to be grateful for. something to make your heart do a little dance. if only you'd take that moment, ya know?
i'm pretty sure that all this crapola is temporary. i'm also pretty sure that soon, VERY soon, it'll all be a distant memory...something for me to remember (or not!) as a time when i was asked to look inside and see just how much i have...and how much i CAN...and how many options abound for me to live the best life ever. tell ya the truth....i am SOOOOOOOOOO looking forward to that (distant memory)! for now, though, i'm just gonna keep laughing about it. cuz the only other option is to cry. and what good would that do?
HAAAAAAAAAAAA!
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