Monday, May 18, 2009

turn, turn, turn

Ya know, it's pretty easy to fall into that great abyss...when everything seems to be so freakin' crazy and ya just don't know what to do. It's even easier to toss in the towel, say "screw it" and just stop trying. But why? Why would you do that? I mean, do you really think it'll make you feel better to curl up in a ball and die?

Well. I'm guessin' that sounds pretty dramatic...but truth is, there are times when I ask myself these questions...and I even ponder that towel. Not often, mind you. But there are times....And then...that leads me to wonder why it is that I'm so freakin' tenacious and unwilling to give up. What is it that makes me so resilient? So utterly optimistic when so much of my world is so NOT what it was. These are some pretty crazy times...and I'm beginning to understand why so many people threw themselves out of windows back during the Great Depression. People who were, to that point, on top of the world, opened their high-rise office window and just jumped. Before now, I never could imagine what would make someone so willing to quit. Now...I get it.

The good news is that I don't have a gazillion dollar business to lose. The other good news is that I happen to value Life far too much to ever do such a thing. I mean, COME ON. Is money REALLY that important that you'd kill your self for it? SHEEEESH.

The other day, while talking with a dear friend of mine about all this insanity, she said something that really (literally) made me stop and sit my little ass down in a chair. She said, "I am SO proud of you. You have every reason to be depressed and scared and ready to quit. But you don't go there. You NEVER go there. I just don't know how you do it. But I'm really proud of you for NOT."

Why does it matter what she, or anyone else, thinks about my fortitude? Why do I care that she's "proud" of me? Why in the world would such a thing even matter when it appears that NOTHING is happening to inspire me to continue on?

I'll tell you why. I say this ALL THE TIME...and I happen to believe it...


Choosing to be bummed out, or pissed off, or suicidal, are all CHOICES. The difference between those who grow and those who die is (in my opinion) all about tenacity. I mean...let's just say I chose to end it all...let's say that I finally reached some breaking point and said to my Self..."okay, Missy. You've done all you can. Why don't you just get it over with. Just think of all the people who won't have to 'worry' about you any more."

Are you kidding me??????? I have long believed that suicide is the ultimate in cowardice. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. I think that people who take their lives are people who are just too scared to face another moment. Now, having said that, I also need to say that my "opinion" is not a judgment so much as it is an opinion. In other words, I don't condemn anyone for doing it. But I also don't think that anyone would commit such an act if they really knew how many people loved them. Because, while I do believe there is a "selfishness" that is productive, there is also another kind. The kind of selfishness that is so blind, so lacking in compassion, so utterly childish, that a person can forget. They forget that they MATTER. They forget that there ARE people who really love them. They forget that if they weren't here...their absence would affect soooooooooooo many people...that ripple affect. They simply get so self-absorbed that their perspective is lost.

I'm telling you this now because these thoughts have been flyin' through my brain at about 500 MPH for the last week and a half. And, without fail, every single time I think about such things, someone either shows up at my door, or sends me an email, or calls let me know that I DO matter. I matter to them because I'm HERE. I matter to them because I inspire them...or I give them a reason to keep believing...or I make them laugh out loud when no one else can. Are these things I should dismiss just because I'm scared of being homeless? Are these people not important enough to keep me alive? Are these not lessons from which I shall build my own empire???????

I want you to know this:

No matter HOW awful things may seem...
No matter how much pain you're in right now...
No matter how scared you are..


so do I.

1 comment:

terri said...

you matter more than you know.

hang on thru the ride....
we'll make it thru the bumps....

your being here matters.

believe it.