moments of clarity

Dad was a stickler for doing things right. And doing them well. And keeping things in their proper places. He didn't do much to help my mom around the house; that was her job. But his workshop was always neat and orderly. The moment he finished whatever he was doing, he'd put all his tools away and vacuum the sawdust off of every surface. If somebody went into his shop and moved anything, the moment he walked in he'd notice it. I always admired that about him. I'm guessing it was the beginning of my own "attention to detail".

The downside of my dad's keen eye was that while he always noticed if something was 'off', he rarely if ever said a word when something was done to perfection by any of his children. He was, for the most part, great at badgering and terrible at praising. My friend once called him that: a "badgerer". And she also noted that I had grown up to be "just like him".

I didn't much like the sound of that. But I knew she was correct. She wasn't trying to be mean; she was simply trying to show me something I'd long overlooked. I had become quite the pain-in-the-butt when it had to do with the men in my life. Nothing was ever good enough. If he did the dishes or laundry or vacuuming, I would go behind him to see that it was done properly. Not surprisingly, I would always find the job to be 'less-than' done. According to my standards, it was a shabby job. So rather than saying thank you I'd re-do whatever it was he'd done.

I'm quite certain it drove most of them nuts. But none ever said a word. They'd just keep trying until finally they'd quit doing anything at all. Go figure.

It wasn't until I moved in with a man (who was not my lover or even a friend) to share a large house that I saw what I'd been doing. To be sure, the guy was what can only be termed a "slob". But that wasn't what got my attention. I had promised to take care of the kitchen. I would do all the cooking and cleaning in exchange for a reduction in rent. That was the deal we struck and I was determined to keep my end of the bargain.

About a year into it, he walked into the kitchen while I was cooking dinner. He 'took over' my work space so he could make some guacamole for his pre-dinner snack. I said something about the way he was cutting the tomatoes (or some stupid thing like that) and the guy just FREAKED. He was a fairly quiet man who rarely raised his voice. But at that moment, I guess he'd had enough. He started hollering like a crazy person, waving the knife around and reading me the riot act.

I remember thinking, "Wow. He sure is sensitive. I was just trying to help him get it right." But what I didn't realize was that for more than a year I'd been nit-picking the poor guy to death and he'd finally reached his limit. He was fed up with me and my badgering. He had all this stuff bottled up and when the cork blew, he let me have it. BIG TIME.

Of course, at that moment I thought he was being completely unreasonable. When I tried to speak, he told me to shut my mouth and just listen. He was enraged to the point that I really thought he might hit me. I backed off and went back to my 'wing' of the house to let him cool off and to allow my own heart rate to stabilize.

And that's when it hit me.

I saw the whole thing as if it were a movie. I heard every criticism I'd ever made. I felt the resentment and the irritation and the condescension I'd showered on him for all that time. And I saw all the others who I'd done the same thing to for all those many years. In a flash, I saw me as my father.

OUCH.

A short while later, I went back downstairs and asked if I could speak. He'd calmed down by then and allowed me the floor. I apologized with more sincerity than I'd ever mustered in my life. I told him about my moment of clarity and how it came to me. I also told him that I would do my very best to never, ever do those things again.

I could see the relief in his eyes. I saw his body relax and heard the change in his voice when he told me it was okay. He accepted my apology and never said another word about it. And then the strangest thing happened.

Shortly after that I noticed that he'd begun doing things around the house that he'd never done before. Little things. Like putting his dishes in the bin of soapy water I always left in the sink (I'd asked him to do this for a long time. He never would oblige.); or putting his shoes in his own room instead of leaving them all over the house. Or  taking the trash out before it spilled onto the cupboard floor. He even started picking up his trash out on the patio. Little things that he'd never done that had always driven me crazy. Without my asking, he began to do the things that I'd always 'nagged' him about.

Every time I noticed something he'd done, I'd say thank you. I realized that it was one of the things I hated about how my dad treated us. And having seen it up close and personal, I vowed I'd never do that again. Those "little things" made all the difference in the world. To both of us. It wasn't long before the roommate and I had a whole new dynamic going on. Everything seemed so easy. No friction, no angst, no resentment. Just a fair and equitable cohabitation that made life for both of us so much more pleasant.

And all that time I thought it was everyone else who was a mess.

GEEZLOUIZE.

Maybe it's in the stars....

For a minute there, I thought it was just me. Turns out it isn't. Turns out there are a host of folks who've been feelin' their own version of nails on a chalkboard too. Funny how when you know you're not "the only one", it somehow makes the whole trip easier. Go figure.

Just a couple of days ago, I started feeling this rawness. Everything and everyone was rubbing up against me...making my skin hurt. Super-hyper-sensativity and all that jazz. I kept trying to shift. Using all the 'tools' I now carry with me, I kept turning my attention elsewhere. Wasn't doin' me a bit of good. No matter what I used, I kept going right back to 'raw'.

At some point I got so irritated, I slid right back into anger mode. That's a no-brainer for me. When all else fails, just get pissed off. Try as I may, no matter how much I learn or practice or seem to be moving onward (in my own "evolution", so to speak), if I don't find a way to let the crap go, I ALWAYS end up at anger. My number one 'defense'. When I get there, all manner of raging warrior comes flyin' out of me...and at that point there's no stopping it. The good news is that I don't direct it at anyone else. Used to do that all the time. Not now. Now it's all just flyin' out of me...into the ether and who-knows-where else. Still...it's kinda scary. (and VERY frustrating!)

During this last tantrum, I had the great gift of a phone call from my best friend. This is a woman who's known me forEVER. And we've walked through many a fire together. She loves me anyway. (PRAISE ALLAH!) She's also one of the most honest people I know. She doesn't try to assuage or side-step what she feels (or sees); as a result, she is always magnificent in her observations of what's going on, whether it's me or her or anyone else that seems to be in a snit. She just has that gift, ya know?

Anyway, she was listening to me rant and when I'd finally run out of steam she said the most beautiful thing:

"I know how much work you've done to get some kind of balance with yourself. I know you want so much to exorcise that rage. But what you don't seem to realize is that it is a core part of who you are. AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. Stop judging that warrior. Stop trying to be somebody you aren't. Isn't this what you're always telling ME? That rage is there to serve you. Now all you have to do is acknowledge it for what it is, WITHOUT judging yourself for it. And then find a way to use it to your benefit. Get out of your head. You're stuck in there and it's only causing you to hurt more. Go take a freakin' pottery class. Or a kick-boxing class. Or any kind of class that will put you in your BODY and get you out of your head. Watch and see how things change."

Am I blessed or WHUT?

something to think about ~

If you've ever been on the back of a bucking horse you've not doubt felt the power of these magnificent creatures...along with the pure exhilaration and absolute terror of the moment. When it happens, all you can do is hold and and hope it doesn't kill you. I've experienced this more than a few times, and I can tell ya...it's something you never forget.

I'm one of the lucky ones.
I'm still here to talk about it.

Why horses buck is no mystery. There are a few reasons why horses buck ~ out of fear, or because they have some extra 'ya-ya's they need to get out (younger horses do this all the time. It's fun to watch...so long as you're not right next to them when they do it!), and sometimes, it's plain old frustration. They don't know what you're asking for. There are some 'links of knowledge' that are missing. They're confused, which leads to fear, which leads to full-blown YEEEEEHAWW! The trick, of course, is to remain calm (right!) and ride it out.

People, on the other hand, tend to handle frustration quite a bit differently. Some may react with anger and try to force a solution to the issue. Or maybe resort to the 'same old same old', as in repeating the same behavior and/or reaction, making the same unsuccessful efforts over and over and expecting a different result. I believe Mr. Einstein called this the definition of insanity. Some people react with resignation and abandon their efforts completely.

Another way to respond is with deliberation. Seeing that we're in over our heads, we can step back from the situation and start looking for ways to gain enough knowledge to come up with a workable solution. That is, if we don't let our egos get in the way. Always a problem. After all, it can be kinda hard to admit when we've come up against a situation we thought we were prepared for, but really weren't. It's not an easy thing, coming to the 'last link' in our chain of knowledge.

But here's the thing: whenever we're met with situations like this, especially if we're having to deal with someone else in their frustrated state, it's absolutely essential to not react. Take a minute (or 10) to see what's going on. Don't retaliate. Don't make some snarky comment. Don't push back. Because every time we do that, all we do is fuel the flames of that icky fire, make the other person feel even more defensive, AND make ourselves feel equally icky. It just doesn't work. The crap just grows and grows, turning into some ridiculous contest of wills. And it's not uncommon for the conversation to turn into the same kind of stupid crap we did when we were in grade school. Name calling. Finger pointing. Foot stomping insanity. NOT fun.

While some may argue that it's important to resolve an issue quickly, I tend to think there are times when it's best to just IGNORE them. When someone resorts to name calling and the like, it's usually because they're scared, insecure and simply not mature enough to handle the situation. Why bother fighting with that? If you just walk away, without saying a single word, it's quite likely (that) you'll simply take the air out of the whole stupid mess. If you don't retaliate, there's not a whole hellofalot they can do. Like the proverbial air in a balloon...it just fizzes out and drops to the floor. Then, after the person in question has a little time to think about what they've said and/or done, they may just see what you were trying to show them in the first place. But even if they don't, you still don't have to do their dance. After all, it is NOT your job to school every person you run across. It's their job to figure it out. Your only responsibility is to insure your own evolution, without harm, without malice, without judgment.

Just remember: It takes TWO to Tango.