For a minute there, I thought it was just me. Turns out it isn't. Turns out there are a host of folks who've been feelin' their own version of nails on a chalkboard too. Funny how when you know you're not "the only one", it somehow makes the whole trip easier. Go figure.
Just a couple of days ago, I started feeling this rawness. Everything and everyone was rubbing up against me...making my skin hurt. Super-hyper-sensativity and all that jazz. I kept trying to shift. Using all the 'tools' I now carry with me, I kept turning my attention elsewhere. Wasn't doin' me a bit of good. No matter what I used, I kept going right back to 'raw'.
At some point I got so irritated, I slid right back into anger mode. That's a no-brainer for me. When all else fails, just get pissed off. Try as I may, no matter how much I learn or practice or seem to be moving onward (in my own "evolution", so to speak), if I don't find a way to let the crap go, I ALWAYS end up at anger. My number one 'defense'. When I get there, all manner of raging warrior comes flyin' out of me...and at that point there's no stopping it. The good news is that I don't direct it at anyone else. Used to do that all the time. Not now. Now it's all just flyin' out of me...into the ether and who-knows-where else. Still...it's kinda scary. (and VERY frustrating!)
During this last tantrum, I had the great gift of a phone call from my best friend. This is a woman who's known me forEVER. And we've walked through many a fire together. She loves me anyway. (PRAISE ALLAH!) She's also one of the most honest people I know. She doesn't try to assuage or side-step what she feels (or sees); as a result, she is always magnificent in her observations of what's going on, whether it's me or her or anyone else that seems to be in a snit. She just has that gift, ya know?
Anyway, she was listening to me rant and when I'd finally run out of steam she said the most beautiful thing:
"I know how much work you've done to get some kind of balance with yourself. I know you want so much to exorcise that rage. But what you don't seem to realize is that it is a core part of who you are. AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. Stop judging that warrior. Stop trying to be somebody you aren't. Isn't this what you're always telling ME? That rage is there to serve you. Now all you have to do is acknowledge it for what it is, WITHOUT judging yourself for it. And then find a way to use it to your benefit. Get out of your head. You're stuck in there and it's only causing you to hurt more. Go take a freakin' pottery class. Or a kick-boxing class. Or any kind of class that will put you in your BODY and get you out of your head. Watch and see how things change."
Am I blessed or WHUT?
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