Chuck Lorre Vanity Card #552

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #552

The Prophet
by
Chuck Gibran

And then a man stepped from the group of villagers and asked the Prophet, “In these troubled times, what should we be most wary of?”

The Prophet said, “Beware the opportune tragedy. The Reichstag. The Gulf of Tonkin. The Archduke. For this will surely portend the end of your freedom, as well as the Bill Maher show. Now that I think of it, Oliver and Bee are also toast.”

Then a young woman approached the Prophet. She looked up at his not-half-bad-looking-for-a-man-his-age face and asked, “Why do men seek to possess and control my body?”

To this the Prophet said, “Men covet the divine. And what is more transcendent than the power to create life. To have power over a woman’s body is their misguided attempt to have power over god. To be god. With this in mind, keep an eye out for the man who builds golden temples so people may worship him. Having a Canadian passport is also not a bad idea.”

Dear Chuck Lorre ~

 Dear Chuck Lorre ~

First, I would like to thank you, again, for your personal contribution to my well-being. You crack me UP. Each and every time you write a Vanity Card. Even the ones that say, "I got nothin'." The result of these more-than-momentary giggle fits is some serious kick-ass on an over-eager autoimmune system that might otherwise be my demise. In short, (too late), you make me laugh. HARD. My AI system buckles from the weight of said laughter. I feel immense relief. I am profoundly grateful.

Second, I would like to rescind my previous 457 marriage proposals. I don't think it'd work out. I don't really believe in the institution of marriage (or any other, for that matter) so I feel it would be both hypocritical and doomed to fail were you to accept. However, I do have an alternative proposal that might be far more appealing (and equally beneficial). To both of us. So...here goes:

I propose that we meet, say, once every two weeks (terms are open for negotiation), in the middle of your horribly hectic day. Maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays. Or...we can discuss what works best for each of us. During these meetings, I will provide a homemade yummy dish of your choosing (provided the terms "gluten-free" and/or "vegan" are not in the mix. Sorry. I don't cook like that. I'm Italian, for Pete's sake!) and you can do what you already do. That is to say...just tickle the hell outta me with your ridiculously funny shit.

Mr. Lorre, I await your response with great eagerness. No. I'm not kidding. If you say, "Let's do it!", I'll see you next week

.

Lastly, for those of you who don't watch The Big Bang Theory, here is Mr. Lorre's latest offering. I'm tellin' ya, the guy slays me.

Chuck Lorre Productions, #550

 Trucks and miscellaneous construction equipment emit a piercing 'beep-beep-beep' noise when they back up. I've always assumed this sound was a response to past litigation. Insurance companies, seeking to avoid lawsuits, decided this was a defendable way to warn stupid people that a large vehicle was sneaking up on them. In other words, flattened morons can't sue a construction company if they are duly alerted by a series of shrieking beeps. Now I should make clear, I'm totally in favor of signaling dumbasses. But what I do not support is the 'beep-beep-beeping' happening every friggin' morning at the break of friggin' dawn. Who's up to be run over that early?! And I'll take it one step further. I think the drivers of these vehicles back up way more than necessary. I think they secretly enjoy the fact that they're waking up people for miles around. I think they think, "I'm up early, so screw you, you get up too." So anyway... that's what I think. I have no solution to this situation. I just wanted these people to know that I'm on to them, and I hate them.

Chuck Lorre Productions, #505

I am a HUGE Chuck Lorre fan. The Big Bang Theory is my numero uno favorite comedy on TV. It's one of the few shows that make me laugh, rowdy and raucous, when I watch. Even the reruns still crack me up. But perhaps one of the best things about Mr. Lorre is his wickedly snarky "Vanity Cards" at the end of each show. They're only visible for ONE second (literally!) but, thanks to DVR technology, we can now pause and read. I LOVE them. Really I do. This particular one, after Monday night's BBT show, is a terrific example of why I think Mister Chuck Lorre is the most brilliant SitCom writer of our time. He is also my writing hero. I'm sharing this today because...well...it just seems to suit the vibe going on 'round here.

{Did I mention that more often than not the things he writes about are things I've often thought?...except that I don't have his brilliant way with words. Or his command of Snark. Alas! There's always tomorrow....}

"It seems to me that the biggest, most momentous choice of our lives is the one that none of us gets to make. I'm talking about the decision to be here, to be alive. Now before I digress into the choice of leaving this life, a subject best suited for notes left on the bed stand, let's investigate the initial premise. Simply put, we all arrive here screaming, crying, and covered in goo, without prior consultation. Or so it appears. If in fact we were part of the decision to become cognizant, the memory of that process has been completely wiped from our consciousness. But what if it were retrievable? What if we could become aware of the primary decision to live, the fateful choice to participate in the world of time, energy, and form? Wouldn't that improve our daily condition? No matter how difficult and confusing life was, we would always be clear on one thing, "I asked to be here. This is my choice." Of course, there's another option to consider. We are here against our will. The unending cycle of birth, life and death is a sentence. We are souls in prison. But that grim, Matrix-like scenario falls apart the minute you ask how hell on earth could possibly include gelato."

Chuck Lorre, will you marry me?

P.S. I'm pretty sure there are copyright laws about reproducing this stuff. I'm hoping though, that Mr. Lorre and his production company will forgo the lawsuit in exchange for a little ego stroking. Not that I don't mean it when I say I love him. I do. But the whole lawsuit thang is a bit daunting, doncha think?