Dear Chuck Lorre ~
First, I would like to thank you, again, for your personal contribution to my well-being. You crack me UP. Each and every time you write a Vanity Card. Even the ones that say, "I got nothin'." The result of these more-than-momentary giggle fits is some serious kick-ass on an over-eager autoimmune system that might otherwise be my demise. In short, (too late), you make me laugh. HARD. My AI system buckles from the weight of said laughter. I feel immense relief. I am profoundly grateful.
Second, I would like to rescind my previous 457 marriage proposals. I don't think it'd work out. I don't really believe in the institution of marriage (or any other, for that matter) so I feel it would be both hypocritical and doomed to fail were you to accept. However, I do have an alternative proposal that might be far more appealing (and equally beneficial). To both of us. So...here goes:
I propose that we meet, say, once every two weeks (terms are open for negotiation), in the middle of your horribly hectic day. Maybe Tuesdays and Thursdays. Or...we can discuss what works best for each of us. During these meetings, I will provide a homemade yummy dish of your choosing (provided the terms "gluten-free" and/or "vegan" are not in the mix. Sorry. I don't cook like that. I'm Italian, for Pete's sake!) and you can do what you already do. That is to say...just tickle the hell outta me with your ridiculously funny shit.
Mr. Lorre, I await your response with great eagerness. No. I'm not kidding. If you say, "Let's do it!", I'll see you next week
Lastly, for those of you who don't watch The Big Bang Theory, here is Mr. Lorre's latest offering. I'm tellin' ya, the guy slays me.
Chuck Lorre Productions, #550
Trucks and miscellaneous construction equipment emit a piercing 'beep-beep-beep' noise when they back up. I've always assumed this sound was a response to past litigation. Insurance companies, seeking to avoid lawsuits, decided this was a defendable way to warn stupid people that a large vehicle was sneaking up on them. In other words, flattened morons can't sue a construction company if they are duly alerted by a series of shrieking beeps. Now I should make clear, I'm totally in favor of signaling dumbasses. But what I do not support is the 'beep-beep-beeping' happening every friggin' morning at the break of friggin' dawn. Who's up to be run over that early?! And I'll take it one step further. I think the drivers of these vehicles back up way more than necessary. I think they secretly enjoy the fact that they're waking up people for miles around. I think they think, "I'm up early, so screw you, you get up too." So anyway... that's what I think. I have no solution to this situation. I just wanted these people to know that I'm on to them, and I hate them.