Seeing as how the name of this blog is JoyZAChoice, I am loathe to write things that are not of a Joyful nature. There's enough of that crap already, doncha think? Then...I remember that there are moments in our lives that Joy is simply not available. Times when a Sadness so large takes over every waking moment, no matter how hard we try to wiggle away. And as many tools as I possess in my Great Toolbox of Living, the one that I'd forgotten to stash was a box of Kleenex. You'd think Miss Home Depot woulda thought of that, wouldn't you?
Here's the thing:
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times:
Joy is a CHOICE.
So then, if Joy is indeed there for the choosing, would it then be logical to presume that Sadness is too? Would it not be a choice to stay in Sadness? If so, why do we choose such a wrenching emotion? Why do we wallow in such Sadness when we have all the tools to build our way to Joy?
I am asking this out loud because I'm working it out. I'm asking because it seems that I have some kind of need to be Sad. Like the Sadness is somehow keeping me close to Hiz Curly Highness. Or that if I let go of the Sadness, I will somehow blur the images that are still so clear in my mind. The images of his madly wagging nubbie first thing in the morning. Or his smiling face...so happy to just be with me. Or the way he would get so excited when I'd reach for my shoes because he knew we were on our way out the door to another adventure. That's how he was. Everything was an adventure. A joyous, grand experience about to unfold. His mellowness was only ever interrupted when we were about to leave the house. Even if it was just to go outside and play in the yard. He loved to romp. And his eagerness to romp made me stretch my Self...even when there was enormous physical pain. Didn't care. Just had to to out there and play with the Little Guy. It made me so happy that it literally erased the pain. Or, at least, made it so that it was merely an annoyance instead of some life-altering condition. Know what I mean?
So what if the grief is merely a longing for the person I was when he was here? What if the thing I am missing is my Self? The Self that was so much MORE when I was with him? What if...the reason it hurts so much is that part of me that is no longer here because he is not?
And then there's the whole "there is no death" thing.
I do not believe that any one of us ever really dies. I believe that we are Source Energy incarnate and that we live on and on, somewhere. I believe that when we leave this plane (Earth) and go wherever it is we go, we are still alive. And all of that is terrific...until I get to the part where I can't touch or hear or smell my Curly Highness. That's where I get stuck.
So...does this mean that my beliefs are ....flawed?
Or does it mean that I am using my Intellect rather than my Heart?
Gee. Aren't you glad you stopped by here today?
Here's the thing:
If I've said it once, I've said it a million times:
Joy is a CHOICE.
So then, if Joy is indeed there for the choosing, would it then be logical to presume that Sadness is too? Would it not be a choice to stay in Sadness? If so, why do we choose such a wrenching emotion? Why do we wallow in such Sadness when we have all the tools to build our way to Joy?
I am asking this out loud because I'm working it out. I'm asking because it seems that I have some kind of need to be Sad. Like the Sadness is somehow keeping me close to Hiz Curly Highness. Or that if I let go of the Sadness, I will somehow blur the images that are still so clear in my mind. The images of his madly wagging nubbie first thing in the morning. Or his smiling face...so happy to just be with me. Or the way he would get so excited when I'd reach for my shoes because he knew we were on our way out the door to another adventure. That's how he was. Everything was an adventure. A joyous, grand experience about to unfold. His mellowness was only ever interrupted when we were about to leave the house. Even if it was just to go outside and play in the yard. He loved to romp. And his eagerness to romp made me stretch my Self...even when there was enormous physical pain. Didn't care. Just had to to out there and play with the Little Guy. It made me so happy that it literally erased the pain. Or, at least, made it so that it was merely an annoyance instead of some life-altering condition. Know what I mean?
So what if the grief is merely a longing for the person I was when he was here? What if the thing I am missing is my Self? The Self that was so much MORE when I was with him? What if...the reason it hurts so much is that part of me that is no longer here because he is not?
And then there's the whole "there is no death" thing.
I do not believe that any one of us ever really dies. I believe that we are Source Energy incarnate and that we live on and on, somewhere. I believe that when we leave this plane (Earth) and go wherever it is we go, we are still alive. And all of that is terrific...until I get to the part where I can't touch or hear or smell my Curly Highness. That's where I get stuck.
So...does this mean that my beliefs are ....flawed?
Or does it mean that I am using my Intellect rather than my Heart?
Gee. Aren't you glad you stopped by here today?
1 comment:
Sweet Sister,
I just wanted to drop a few thoughts here, maybe they will be useful, maybe not. But I know you are in deep pain & being who I am, I feel a need to DO something to help you feel better.
We are spiritual beings having human experiences and sadness is truly a part of it. Yes, honey, we can often choose joy but sometimes we have to FEEL the sadness first. It makes the joy so much sweeter. So right now, you can choose to allow yourself to be sad and be TRUE to your feelings or you can "fake it 'til you make it" but sooner or later, your human experience must unfold. I don't want this to sound preachy...I just want to comfort you.
Bruzer remains a part of you always. Memories can make us smile & cry at the same time. Hence the term "bittersweet". It's OK to FEEL this. It doesn't make us any less spiritual or evolved. It makes us stronger & more grateful.
I love you, baby girl.
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