made it thru. actually survived that day without causing meself harm (yep. that's on purpose). best thing of all? my sense of humor has returned. that's big for me. gotta be able to laugh. even in the midst of all that self-perpetuated sadness, someone made me laugh. it sounded strange to my ears. was that ME? did i do that outloud? yep. that was me. i laughed! cool.
so, i'd intended to have a celebration, in an attempt to avoid the sorrow. didn't quite work out that way. i spent a good portion of the day with a box of kleenex. but by early evening, i got tired of it. grabbed a photo & headed outside with all the other critters...to have a toast to my girl & tell some stories about our many adventures together. lemme tell ya, there were lots of 'em. 12 years is a lonnnnng time to spend with someone....& she was right there with me the whole time. so, i managed to find some happy thoughts...& smile at her goofy-ness...and then it began to rain. rain we so desperately need here. it rained soft & sweet...little kisses from my raja.
today, i feel her even more. i feel her with me, just as if she were sitting here. it's the coolest feeling, just knowing that what i believe is real...to me anyway. the sun is peeking from behind the mountains, chella is sitting on the desk watching the roadrunner make it's way up the driveway...& raja is here with us. she's happy. she's love. forever & ever that puppy will be here to remind me that love doesn't die & neither do we. it's just a little different is all. a little different.
can i live with that? guess so. i'm still here. i'm still smiling. i'm still loving. so, i guess i'm living with it. keeping her close isn't hard. it's the touch that seems to be my biggest challenge. such a tactile little imp. well then, i can close my eyes & remember. that works too. i can even smell her when i focus on it. i get to choose. sadness or love. sadness or love. gee. sounds pretty simple.