Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Take A Day...

Have you ever had one of those days....when you can't seem to get your balance? A day when you're flip-flopping around like that fish that wanted to escape the bowl and found itself out of water, unable to breathe? You know the kind of day I'm talking about, right?

Yesterday was one of those days. It was Cricket's birthday. She'd have been 64 years old. Although it was the second of her birthdays since she exited the planet, for some reason, it was a whole lot more intense. Maybe because last year, she'd only been gone a couple of months. Maybe I was still in shock. Maybe I just couldn't wrap my brain around the whole idea of her being "gone".

Whatever the reason(s), last year didn't seem so large as yesterday did. From the moment I woke up, and all through the day, I would find myself crying, kind of out of nowhere. One moment I'd be "fine". Next moment, all curled up in a ball. I felt I had absolutely no control over this unending roller coaster. I also didn't feel the need to try (to control it). It was, perhaps, a delayed reaction to the passing of someone who meant the world to me. And to so many others.

My sister was a force of Nature. She was the quintessential Kindness. She was my rock. She was also mother to a whole gaggle of children, all of whom are now in their teens. I think about them often, wondering what they're doing and how they're faring in her absence. Another thing over which I have no control. But then, I remember, she was their mama. If I know anything at all about this woman, I know she instilled a sense of goodness in her children. What they do with that now is up to them. Nobody said it would be easy.

I tried, all day yesterday, to write a little something to honor Cricket's birthday. Just couldn't do it. I was too .... (let me find the word....) .... too wobbly. And we all know what kinds of disasters may ensue when one is feeling wobbly, yes?

So, I took a day.

A day to just feel all the things I was feeling. Without remorse. Without regret. Without picking up the phone to talk to anyone or distract myself. A day to just BE with all those feelings and let them take me where they would.

And guess what? I'm still here. I'm not dead or injured or crumbling from the ride.


And so is she.

Life has a way of making things right. A way of gentling us back into balance. A way of seeing things from a new pair of eyes, even when it seems impossible. And sometimes, all it takes is

A day.

Happy Birthday, my Sister.
Ti amo ~

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