Monday, January 30, 2012

it's ALL in your head

You know I'm big on choosing Joy. You also may know, if you've been here for any length of time, that I am a huge follower of the theory of "Creating Your OWN Life". As in: it is what you make it. Or (in case I need to go even further...) THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS.

Any way you look at it, the choice is pretty clear. Well, it is for me anyway. Either choose to live as joyfully as you can or NOT. Whatever happens in your world on a daily basis is absolutely your doing. Too much responsibility? Maybe. But I've never been one to shy away from that sorta thing, particularly if it happens to be the responsibility of how joyfully or miserably I live my Life. I will admit there was a time that this was not how I lived my life. The part about taking responsibility I mean. I was one of those who used to blame everybody and their mother for my ill fate. Beginning with my parents and ending with the last man who made the choice to live with me. Poor guy. He had NO idea what he was getting into. But I digress...

The point is, there came a moment when it all became crystal clear to me. It was, of course, after I ditched the Poor Guy and hit the road to return to the Great Pacific Northwest. With dogs and cat and every possession I owned, we traveled across country with nary a care in the world. We were met with kind truckers, generous travelers, and other assorted characters who made the trip more than a mere cross-country relocation. Those folks (and some critters too) turned it into one of my greatest adventures. When we finally reached Washington, I was both happy to be home and sad that the adventure had ended. But I was wrong. It had only just begun.

Shortly after my return I realized that everything I'd theretofore held as my truth was about to unravel. FAST. And as it did, I became even more aware of just how much of the crapola I was living was caused by my own thinking. I had intended to start over. But I was still holding on to all manner of junk that had weighed me down in the first place. Even though I'd left behind the Poor Guy and all the crap that went along with that relationship, I was still carrying it. Just couldn't seem to let it go.

Call me stubborn, but it took a while to figure out that it was, truly, all in my head. Every smidgen of ill will and discomfort, poor choices and broken toes, bad jobs and horrible hair, stupid encounters and feckless repairs.... all a result of my thinking. All a result of my inability to truly start over. All a result of me living in my own Denial.

But every camel has its straw. And when mine landed, it was not pretty.

Flash-forward about 10 years (between which there was more unraveling, more traveling, more angst, more blame...)

FINALLY, I got the whole picture. And when I did it felt like somebody had lifted the weight of that camel off my back. (Camels are not small critters. It is said that the average camel weighs somewhere around 1500 pounds. If you happen to be a smallish person {I weigh in at a whopping 105 pounds}, 1500 pounds is a whoooooole lotta extra weight. Know what I mean?)

I felt free as the proverbial bird in the sky. And even though there were occasional moments of lingering sadness, it was mostly the dregs of some romantic notion that the Poor Guy would get his shit together (as if all this were his fault. SHEESH!) and come knockin' at me door. Happily, he did not. Nor did I continue to wish as much. When I finally reached that place of Knowing, of being truly happy in my skin, all manner of ickiness fell away...leaving me to muse over what I might like to do for the rest of my Adventure here on Planet Earth. The choices are endless, the possibilities countless, the magick at my fingertips.

For today, I sit in this incredibly beautiful space, writing to my heart's content, living with His Curly Highness and enjoying most every minute of my days. To be sure, there are still occasional challenges that make me rethink thoughts, suffer change and wonder aloud if I'm completely crazy or only half way. But regardless of the verdict, I wouldn't trade my life for anyone elses. I love the fact that in MY world, everything really is in my head. And whatever this pretty little head can imagine, this crazy little Imp can live.

I'd say those are some pretty fantastic choices.

His Curly Highness ~ {after I cut his curliness off. He is NOT amused.}


Merry ME said...

R U at the Grand Canyon? DO you live there? It is one of my all time favorite place on earth and it's been way too long since I visited there.

Per your "blossoming into being" : I'm in my 2nd week of an online class called Breaking into Blossom. I'm really not sure what it means nor what improvisation is all about, but I'm giving it a shot.

Bella Mia said...

Thank you, Camille...sounds like the Hero's journey, although in this case it's the heroine's journey. I can identify a lot, loving my life most of the time and correcting my thinking when I find myself slipping into a lack of gratitude.

Thanks for sharing. Give his Curly Highness a pet from me and a sniff from Bella.
-Sheila and Bella