let the fires rage

There is something to be said about using anger to move out of fear. Some people operate this way, mostly, I think, because it's worked for them. A person can only take fear for so long. Then comes that breaking point ~ that place where you've just had enough and you're not going to take it any more.

(Didn't you just love that movie?)

There is a passage in a song that says it best:

When push comes to shove you taste what you're made of
You might bend til you break cuz it's all you can take
From your knees you look up decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand.

I heard this song today, as I was trying in vain to release a very large fear that seemed to be consuming me. I loathe this feeling. It's helplessness at it's very worst. I loathe that feeling too. Most days, I'm pretty good at moving through such things, using the many tools I've gathered along my path.

Today was not one of those days. I woke up with a feeling of dread and it stuck in my belly like bad food from a greasy diner. Nausea, sweat, shaking hands, the whole nine yards.

ICK.

And then...the song came on. I felt the tingling course through my body and the hair on my neck stood straight up. I cranked up the volume and sang at the top of my voice all the way down the road. That familiar anger welled up inside me, and for once, I didn't fight it. I let it come. I let the rage grow like a bonfire drenched in gasoline. The louder I sang, the more the fires raged. By the time the song ended, I had tears rolling down my cheeks and a full-blown sweat pouring through my shirt.

I was ready.

I have long worked at changing the way I operate because I felt that I needed to let go the anger. I could see the damage it had done, not just to my psyche but also to my body. Years of rage, stuffed deep inside, had manifested a horrible burning in my bones. Not kidding. But regardless of what the so-called 'experts' said, I knew precisely what was 'wrong'. The body does not fall out of wellness for no reason. There is always a source to one's dis-ease. Mine was rage.

Having spent so much time on this change, it was a bit of a shock when that rage came flying up so quickly. It'd been a while since I'd felt it; it was my belief that I'd finally let it go.

Wrong again.

But as I drove I also realized that sometimes, even if it seems to go against one's intentions, sometimes it's just something you ought to let come.

Especially if it works.

So where did the rage come from? I let my mind wander as I drove, allowing whatever thoughts that came to rise up clearly. I didn't fight the anger, nor the fear. I just let it come. I pulled up to a stop light and realized how far I'd driven while having no idea how. Figured it was a good time to pull off the road and just sit for a while. No point driving blindly, or risking someone else's safety.

Pissed off. Yes. Stupid. No.

As soon as I was out of my truck I found a tree and sat under it, leaning up against the strength of it's trunk. Pretty soon, the words started flying out. Loud, angry, righteous words. I let them fly. I could feel the rage go with them. With every word I shouted, I felt less enraged and more empowered. I was giving it up to the tree I leaned against, to the sky I stared up at, to the clouds that floated by.

Ten minutes later, I was done.

Immediately following all this was a sense of calm that I'd not felt in weeks. There was a knowing. A genuine deep-down-in-my-gut knowing. That everything is as it should be. That I am not helpless or without power. That regardless of what I may think I'm seeing right now, it is not the end of my world. It may be the end of something I no longer need, but my world is not going to crumble and vanish. I made a vow to myself in that moment:

“In the face of adversity, uncertainty, and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magickal, infinite, loving reality in which I live. A reality that conspires tirelessly on my behalf. I further recognize that living in space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure, because thoughts become things, dreams come true, and all thing remain forever possible. As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for all.”

{thank you Mike Dooley!}

I share this story with you now, in hopes that you will remember: it's okay to get mad. It's okay if you scream at the gods. It's more than okay. Because whatever you feel is taking you to more of who you are. Don't stuff those feelings.

Feel them. And then...

Carry on.