Wednesday, April 15, 2009

coming to terms

i've heard that disappointment is a direct result of expectation. no expectation, no disappointment. so where do ya draw the line? is it unreasonable to 'expect' a friend to honor their word? is it not important if they don't? how do ya know when that feeling of disappointment is really just your own reflection? something about yourself that you see in that person, and don't much care for. how do you know?

i guess i contemplate this now because there was a time when i was guilty as charged. i'd say i was gonna do something or be somewhere or send something in the mail, and then i'd blow it off. sometimes, back when i was in my 20s & 30s, i'd completely deny my own shit. and sometimes, i'd flat out lie about it. that was then. this is now. i worked on that 'character flaw' for a long time, because i really wanted to take responsibility for my actions. i really did want to be a better person, a better friend, a better human being. and i'm pretty sure i've done that. maybe i'm fooling myself, but it seems to me that my word has become one of the most important things in my interactions with people. i'm not saying i don't change my mind sometimes. cuz i do. but when i do, i always let whoever it is (that will be affected by my choice) know. i call 'em up and say, 'listen. i've decided that i'm not up for it right now.' or something to that effect. so, why does it bother me so much now? how come i get all bummed out when someone i know and trust doesn't do what they say? is it dregs of the 'me' i used to be? or maybe there's still a part of me that does it and i'm in denial.

i don't really know. what i do know is that it does bum me out. i makes me feel like nothing is sacred. and like i don't count. yea. i know that's dumb. and childish. and completely over-dramatic. but still...that's how it feels. so, it's kinda back to the beginning. i know i get to choose how i feel about everything. and this is no exception. i get to choose whether or not it makes me feel badly or to just chalk it up to someone just being who they are in this moment, and trusting that they're doing the best they can, regardless of what they may have said.

tough call either way. guess i'll go watch a happy movie or read a book and let it just simmer for a while. maybe later i'll be able to see it from a different perspective. cuz, after all, isn't it me who's always saying "change your view"?

ha. what a dope.

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