Thursday, March 12, 2009

new ways to move on ~

got home from a really terrific session with a lady who bought my bowflex. i promised that i'd show her how to use it, since i didn't have the manual or the video it came with. i thought i was more than fair, and they live pretty close by, so it wouldn't be like i was driving all over creation. i also thought it'd be good for me to help somebody get to feelin' good about themselves. back when i was a trainer, i loved watching as folks would come into that beautiful place of being comfortable in their own skin. it was like my super-bonus on top of getting paid to train them. loved that part. so when her husband voiced concern about my not having 'instructions', i told him i'd be more than happy to provide them in person. she agreed and the deal was made.

so, i went over this morning, met the lovely woman and commenced to doin' what camille does: teach. we talked about how much what we think affects our bodies. and the food we put in our mouths. and how we feel about that food. friend? or not? we also talked about the messages we send ourselves with the words we choose to use. well, i guess "we" isn't exactly correct. more like "me". she was visibly blown away by the information i was sharing. she told me of the various gyms & trainers she'd tried in the past, all of which were less than happy experiences. she also told me that "at her age" it was not as easy as it used to be. again, i reminded her about her choice of words. and again, i spoke of perceptions. hell, the lady doesn't look a day over 40...and she's 62! no cosmetic surgeries, no 'body enhancements'. just a beautiful woman with a glow for life. amazing how much people don't get that part. anyway...

it was fun. it was really good to be in teacher mode again...and she commented more than once about how 'good' i was at this. she kept thanking me, over and over, for being so generous with my time and knowledge. and every time she did, i thanked her for letting me. mutual exchanges. that what makes the world go 'round! after an hour and a half, we arranged to meet again in 2 days, gave each other a few more hugs...and off i went.

came home, made some lunch and sat looking out at the beautiful view. a lovely spring day in the southern california foothills. nothing at all to be remotely unhappy about. nothing to warn me that another storm was about to hit. oh brother.

came upstairs, sat down at the computer to check emails and such, and WHAM! just like that...the tears started fallin'. outta nowhere, i had that heavy, lonely heart well up so big i could barely breathe.

i miss my raja.
i want my dog back.
i want her the flesh...not floating around out there in the mists.
with me.
damn it.

i was so stunned, so surprised by this huge well of grief, i didn't know what to do. i sat back in my chair, tried to relax my body, and just let the tears flow. lots and lots of tears. ugh oh. ugh ohhhhhhh. keep breathing there, missy. just keep breathing. it's okay to cry.

it's okay.

it's OKAY.

about the time i thought i couldn't take another second, i had this crazy idea... there was something i could do. there was something that would help me let go the grief, even if only a speck at a time....the raja project. i'd forgotten about the blog i started a year ago, for a project that i had put on a shelf for a while. the blog was still there...still waiting for me to attend to it. why not?

went to that blog and stared at the picture...of my all her beautiful glory. the tears started flowing again...harder now...

just write to her. write every time you miss her (what? all day every day???) just write her letters like you did when mommy died. that helped a lot. why don't you just do that now...and let yourself ease on out of this place you keep coming back to? ya big silly.

so i did. started writing. a letter. to raja. a letter that were the wrods i'd say out loud if she were sitting here next to me. we talked a lot. not just me. her too. she was quite the talker (just like her mama). i wrote until the tears stopped. and then i wrote a little more. until i got tired of my sniveling. and then i giggled aloud cuz i know she'd have made my laugh by then too. that's just how she was. she always let me cry, and she stayed real close as i did. but she also knew when enough was enough. and, without fail, she'd do something to make me laugh. no kidding. my raja? she was somethin' else.

funny thing about writing. that blog? nobody even knows it's there...except me. and even if someone what? yea...i could do it in a journal or on some pretty stationary too. but i type so much faster than i write...and my hands like it better too. so...the blog it is.

blogs for healing.

golly. what a concept.

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