it seemed so easy, once upon a time. to just ask. whether it was something i wanted or needed, the asking seemed so ... logical. just ask. daddy used to say, "don't ask, don't get". i always remembered that. but he didn't live what he spoke. & it killed him. no kidding. he had a pride that ate away at his very being, until it just killed him. i swore i'd never let that happen to me.
ha. what a freakin' joke.
today, i had to walk that walk. today i had to ask. today, even before the first cup of coffee had cooled, i had to stare that demon down & take my place in the queue of humility. i had to ask for help. and i can tell ya...that ain't no easy thang for this little girlie. but there it is.
first i called my sister. i was on the edge of panic...& she's always the one i call when i'm on that edge. she helps me hold on. she reminds me that it's gonna pass. she hears the words i cannot speak. & then...she offers her gentle wisdom to guide me thru. every single time. no exceptions.
after i got off the phone with her...that's when it was time for me to face the demon. i sat here, feeling all kinds of tiny...& waited for the anger. anger always gets me off my ass. that, too, is without exception. works every time. so i waited for the anger...& then i realized that this time, for perhaps the first time...the anger was not going to be my choice of weapons. this time, i was going to use something else. like humility.
now, that word, in itself, always sat real heavy on me. never understood what was so terrific about humility. mostly, i guess, cuz i associated 'humility' with 'humiliation'. not the same things. not even close. little by little, i've started getting it...but it comes in spurts...and usually they're really freakin' painful spurts. but...once again..there it was/is. humility. shit. gotta face that again???
all i can say at this point...is all this is for good. i know it is. maybe i'm not liking it all that much..but i have to believe it's for good, otherwise i might just go jump off the nearest cliff. nah. not doin' that either. may as well just step up to the plate. find my sense of humor. regain some balance. and get on with it.
cuz really? what are my choices?
i'm thinking that a little hysterical laughter might just be in order.
some good old fashioned