Happy Birthday...

Today marked the day I entered the world...more than fifty years ago. Last night, while I laid in bed, I thought about what it must've been like for my mother. According to her account, she had to "fight hard" to keep me. Apparently, at the time, all the doctors could tell her was to stay on her back and keep her feet elevated. No one seemed to know why she was having trouble holding her baby in her womb. So, as she told it to me, she did just that. Laid on her back for most of the forty weeks she carried me. When she went into labor, she said, it happened very fast. At 4:30 a.m. on April 16th, my dad drove her to the hospital. I was born at 4:45 a.m.

Talk about eager.

She said I was screaming the moment my head hit air. Screaming and hungry. She said I nursed every two and a half hours. Like clockwork, she said. You could set your watch to the screams, she said. It was as if I had some insatiable hunger that she could not fill, she said.

And now....as I think about what it must have been like for her, I wonder if it was something she cherished or dreaded. Was I her bane? I have my Baby Book. There are no photos. Only a few notes she wrote shortly after my birth. I was her third child. I guess she was tired of filling up Baby Books by then. But the notes imply she was thrilled to have me. They are words of gratitude and even surprise. As if she didn't expect me to live.

How horrible would that be for a mother? To think that every time your child went to sleep, she might not wake up? GEEZ. Talk about a nightmare.

Today my mother is no longer on the planet. I cannot ask her these questions. I cannot know what it might have been like for her. I can only speculate. And hope. Hope that I was worth the trouble. Hope that I provided enough Joy to make up for the hassle of lying on her back for the entirety of her pregnancy. Hope that, when she left the planet, she was happy to have known me. As happy as I was to have known her. She was my hero. She was my anchor. She gave me Life. And, above that, Love. She encouraged me to keep reaching for the things that made me happy. And to use the hunger that's driven me my whole life, that insatiable hunger that still drives me, as fuel to feed the Creative spirit that is Me. I do my best, every single day, to live up to her esteem. To make her proud. Wherever she might be. And to remember, ALWAYS, that she was the one who taught me:

Joy is a CHOICE.

Happy Birthday to ME!

in honor of maria antonia...

this beautiful lady is my mom when she was newly engaged to my dad. when i look at this picture it makes me smile to know that there was a time, long before she grew ill, that she was happy. really happy. i remember many happy moments with her. like the time she made me laugh as she covered my bloody knee after i'd nearly ripped my kneecap off. she never missed a beat as she carefully attended to the wound; never showed a drop of fear as the blood gushed from my leg. or the time when those mean boys in high school sent me a pair of band-aids with a note to congratulate me for needing them (i was quite the small-breasted teen; their commentary was crushing.) she reminded me that there would come a day when i would laugh about it. she was right. she was always right. she had a love for life that glowed from her with her every breath. she had a voice like an angel. i can still hear that voice, all these years after her departure.  i can still see that smile and hear her laughter and feel the touch of her hands on my face. it's been more than 25 years, and still she is here. and still i miss her. her love is so powerful that those years seem a minute...and i smile, even as i write, remembering the woman who helped make me who i am. i know she is close by and she smiles with me. i know that no matter how many days pass, she will always stay. i love this woman whom i call mother. and so, on this day i honor her. and all the moms out there who give their hearts so readily. i honor their courage and their wisdom and their laughter. i honor every woman who graces this mother earth...and leaves behind the sparkling trails of strong mother love. i wish them all as beautiful a life as my mom gave me. and it is my greatest wish that they all know the kind of love i hold for her. every woman deserves that kind of love.

happy mother's day, mama.

happy mother's day to ALL.

Il Giorno Della Donna ~ (The Day of the Woman)

Today, all around the globe, women are being honored. It is the Day of the Woman. What a beautiful thing to celebrate, yes? I can't help but wonder, though, why there's only ONE day. Why do we not honor women every day?

Before I go any further, let me first say that I adore men. I adore their differences and their wiring and their presence on the planet. To me, the differences (between men and women) are what make it all so fun. Even when they (men) drive me nutso, I adore them anyway. How boring a world it would be without the Big Lugs.

Having said that, I also feel a deep bond with women that I'd never before felt. There was a time when I didn't like women much. Most of the ones I knew were manipulative, deceptive and utterly untrustworthy. Now, looking back, I wonder if those same women weren't there in my life to show me that those characteristics were also my own. Of course, I'd never have admitted to this back then. But hindsight is always acute, yes?

Now, as I have come into my own and cleaned out those dirty closets, I can see just how much the relationships (both then and now) really do reflect who I am. The women who now grace my world with their presence are marvelously talented, kind, compassionate, funny women who all share their dazzling love with me. They make my world a much better place. Every single one of them. Is this also a reflection? I think it is. I think that they wouldn't be here if I weren't who I am now. No...I don't think...I KNOW. My growing grace has made way for these splendid relationships, both with them and with myself. Splendid, indeed.

I would like to send my deepest gratitudes to ALL the women of the world. To the mothers and aunts and sisters and grandmas. To the caregivers and caretakers. To the little ones, just growing their bones. To the old ones who have so much to teach. To the poor ones and the wealthy ones. The goofy ones and the elegant ones. ALL the wonderful woman who walk this planet and make it so much more beautiful.

Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being part of my world.
Thank you for the love.