Wednesday, March 3, 2010

you're not in charge (of them)

Those of you who read here regularly know that I do my best to keep things on the UPside. This (blog) is, after all, about CHOOSING JOY. I'm pretty much the epitome of optimism. I am a "glass half full" kinda gal.

I am also human (well, let's clarify that a bit: I am Spirit housed in human the moment.)


There's been a cacophony of monkey chatter goin' on in my head for the past week, hollering about a girlfriend who is, once again, dishonoring her friendships in lieu of a guy. In short: there's a man now, so all her friends have been 'dissed'. This is NOT the first time she's done it. In fact, in the 7 or so years I've known her, she's done it every time she has met someone new. So what's this got to do with me?

Well, first of all it's annoying as hell. Secondly, it is, to me, incredibly disrespectful. But most of all, it is utterly destructive...for her. She doesn't see this, or else she chooses to ignore it (not sure which), but I've seen the results of her choices and let me tell ya, they've been horrible. This woman 'lost' her life's work to a very clever and manipulative man(who was also quite abusive). We're talking 4 houses (no. I'm not kidding) and every cent she had saved. And that's just the 'material' part. She gave this man her whole self, lock, stock and barrel. She gave it ALL away...all in the name of "love". Now, 2 years later, she hovers on the brink of suicide, lives in manic depression for weeks (months!) on end, drinks herself into oblivion (while taking meds for said depression) and pretty much sees herself as a big, fat loser.

That is, until recently.

Enter: new guy.

Once again she has forsaken her girlfriends for a guy. She has dropped off the map and spends all her time, energy and heart on this man who isn't even going to be around for more than a few weeks. He lives far, far away and is merely visiting for a while. Still, she somehow imagines that her 'great sex' is going to change his mind and "who knows what will happen next?!"

Oh brother.

Now must also keep in mind that this is MY perspective. And as we all know, there are always 2 sides to a story, yes? So...keeping this in mind you must take all this with a grain of salt (so to speak). MY perspective...which could also translate to MY "JUDGMENT".

Which leads me to the point of this missive:

Why is it that when we get our feelings bumped we feel the need to judge what others are doing with their own lives? Who the hell are WE to say that what THEY are doing is "wrong/destructive/dangerous/etc.". Who the hell are WE???

This is what has been nagging at me. Not her choices or her behaviour or her 'dissin' me. It is MY judgment of her actions that bothers me most. Why do I feel the need to judge? Why do I think I know what's best for her? Who died and left me in charge of HER life?

Various philosophies teach that the sooner we leave our judgments behind the sooner we shall find our own truths. That we are not in charge of others' actions or decisions or behaviours. That the only person over whom we have any say-so is SELF. So why then is it such an ongoing struggle? Why do we insist, over and over, that we know what's best for someone else?

Could it be....


Could it be that the scared little Id is the 'monkey' I'm hearing? The frightened child who fears abandonment and neglect? Could it be that this 'god complex' is merely a protective device to keep that Ego safe?

I'm thinking that is PRECISELY what it is. I'm thinking that it's her life and I don't have any 'right' to tell her how to live it. I'm thinking that regardless of what she chooses to do with her life, the only choice I need to make is:
do you want to be her friend or NOT?

(you knew it was going to come 'round to "choice", didn't you?!)

In my balanced state, when I am in tuned with my True Self, I know that it always comes down to this. I know that my choices are my own, and everyone else has their own. I know that by focusing on what she's doing I am, in essence, holding her responsible for my own feelings.

I also know that this is NOT the way to my own Joy.

And so, I offer this long-winded story to pose this to YOU:

When you feel any kind of angst around what someone else is "doing to you", just remember this:

YOU get to choose who will stay and who will be dismissed in your life.
YOU get to choose what to keep and what to toss.
YOU get to choose judgment or acceptance.

In the end, the choices we make are what create the Masterpiece that is our life.
So it's a good idea to stop with all the judgments and keep your eye (and your heart!) focused on what is best for YOU.

All the rest is just plain punishment (and guess who you're punishing.)

1 comment:

AkasaWolfSong said...

This reminds me of Terri's bone sigh this morning that greeted me in my inbox...

“ maybe grace is figuring out it's not
all about you.
that people are doing what they're
doing for their own reasons.
not yours.
and maybe grace is accepting that. ”

I think it's wonderful and graceful when we can recognize that in ourselves...

Many Blessings...