how much it helps

So I've been doing this thing...where I write to my Raja whenever I'm feeling her absence too large. When I feel the tears coming, instead of trying not to cry...I let 'em flow and write to her. Crazy as it sounds, it seems to help. It helps me to let the tears and the anguish come out, instead of stuffing it back down. Cuz I know that can't be good. The stuffing part..it's soooooooo not good to do. And while I'm writing to her, it's like she's right here. Like she's so clear in my mind, I can almost touch her. Yea. It helps. A LOT.

Just the other day, while I was doing this writing...the tears started falling big time. I grabbed for the box of kleenex and just kept writing. I was determined to just go with it, ya know? All of a sudden, I wrote this line that said, "Raja. Please come visit me. Please." And I hear this bounding up the stairs...fast...and it's Koda. Koda is my roommate's dog...and he happens to look a lot like Raja. Except for the funny ear. And he's a little smaller. But, he really looks alot like her. So anyway, he comes flyin' in my office and shoves his nose up under my arm. He is NOT taking no for an answer. He wants me to touch him and I'm tryin' to write and he just keeps shoving, shoving, shoving. Finally it hit me. OMIGOD! I JUST ASKED HER TO COME VISIT! PAY ATTENTION!

So I sat down on the floor and just buried my face in his fur. Just like I used to do with her. I was cryin' so hard I could hardly breathe. And every time I'd move my face away, he'd start licking the tears off my face. Just like her! I was so blown away by all this...it made me cry even more. Could it be she actually sent him up here to help? Could it really be????

I guess we sat on the floor for a good half hour. Me crying, him licking my face. Soft and sweet and without pushing too hard. He just stayed with me thru the whole thing. and then...he did this thing..like talking to me. He started making all these really cool sounds...like he was really trying to form words. Just like my Raja used to do. Crazy, huh? By that time, he had me laughing pretty big...and even tho the tears were still falling, they were, instead, tears of joy. Here's this beautiful pup, doing these things that she always did with me...right outta the blue.

Yea. I know it sounds nuts. Don't care. It happened. And he's been staying real close ever since. Like he knows I need him to stay close. Man. What a world.